Golden Girls/Golden Palace - Sayings for all purposes
Blanche: He has the heart of a 25-year-old - as long as his body doesn't reject it...
Sophia: Imagine finding that
carving in here! Kitchen, bedroom...
I knew it was in
a room that I was good in!
Blanche: But this stroke
destroyed the part of Sophia's brain that censors what she says.
She just
says
whatever
she thinks. She can't help it.
Rose: Oh, Dorothy's
really upset. We better keep an eye on her.
Blanche: You're right. We better stick to her like a tight
shirt on a sweaty farmhand.
You know the type, with
the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun...
(...)
Dorothy: Have you ever met a man who knows how to push all your buttons?!
Blanche: Just once. He was a cabana boy in Pensacola.
Rose: I
know grief. It takes time.
Dorothy: Please, Rose. Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake.
You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit
and you're done. If you're
Jewish, you cry, you sit, you eat for seven days, you put on 10 pounds,
and it's over. We Italians
scream, dress up a donkey, hire a band, and that's that. It's these
southern Protestants who
make it a way of life.
Rose: Blanche
told me when George died, she made a date at the funeral. Oh, not
that
she didn't love
George. She can't be without
a man.
Blanche: At our age, long engagements
don't make sense.
Minister: Ladies, I'm
on a tight schedule. This is Miami, I've got funerals backed up.
Blanche: Dorothy, I've
just discovered a great new way to meet more men!
Sophia: More men? You're gonna need a turnstile in your bedroom!
Dorothy: Wait, Blanche,
honey, aren't you forgetting something?
Blanche: Oh, no, I never wear underwear.
Blanche:
Oh, Dorothy, I just talked to somebody back home, and they are
doing
the most
horrible
thing!
They are
tearing down the most important building in Blanche Devereaux's
family history!!!
Dorothy: Oh my God, they're tearing down Mattress World!
Blanche: Even worse than that! They are tearing down the place where I spent
my happiest moments as a child!!!
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. They're tearing down Boys Town.
Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche, age is
just a state of mind.
Blanche: Tell that to my thighs!
Dorothy: Well, if someone asked me
to sail around the world with him, I'd say yes.
Sophia: Sail around the world? Please, you can't even get someone to
ask you for a date! Sail around the world!!!
Yeah, like there's a long line of men standing on the...
Dorothy: Alright, Ma!!!
Blanche: What do you think of my
new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too
much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you!
Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid
up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
(Rose is telling another St. Olaf story.)
Rose: Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?
Dorothy: You know what your trouble
is?
Blanche: Of course not!
Dorothy: The woman keeps a chicken
in her home, how normal can she be?
Rose: I kept a chicken in my home.
Dorothy: Do you see my point?
Blanche: I do love the rain so. It
reminds me of my first kiss...
Dorothy: Ah, you're first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche: No, it was in the shower.
Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin
at a prison rodeo!
Dorothy: That's pretty jumpy...
Blanche: He is so sophisticated and
charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least
he will
when I'm through with him!
Dorothy: You know what's young to
me now? Forty. Suddenly forty is young.
Blanche: Oooh - aren't you sweet...
Miles: I'm a college professor,
Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?
Rose: I thought you were old.
Rose: My mother
always used to say: "The
older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Dorothy: Rose, I know this is a long
shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I have got
the man for you!
Dorothy: No thanks. Had one.
Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.
(The Girls are coming through the front door after a trip. Rose is singing.)
Rose: Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles
of beer... you take one down, pass it along, two bottles
of beer on the wall... Well, I'm off to bed!
Dorothy: Two bottles of beer on the wall?! Rose, you stopped at two bottles
of beer?!
Rose: Yeah, it just drives you nuts, doesn't it? Good night!
Blanche: Rose is a bimbo.
Counselor: Rose, how do you feel about Blanche calling you that?
Rose: I think she's a gakögernöken.
Counselor: What does that mean?
Rose: Well, it used to be the term for the precise second
that dog doo turns white, but now it mainly stands
for rude.
(Blanche returns from the doctor's.)
Blanche: He said he wants to put a pacemaker in me!
Sophia: Everybody's got a name for it these days!
(Rose slams the door after a date with Miles.)
Blanche: Hello, Rose. Is something wrong?
Rose: Well, yes. It's Miles.
Blanche: What's about him?
Rose: I don't know. He's been kind of tight lately, and
I hate it.
Blanche: Well, I'm just the opposite, I love a tight man... Tight man with
cast iron pecs... thighs that could
choke a bear... a butt you could eat breakfast of!!! Then the two of us would...
(She looks over at Rose.)
Rose, when did you get
in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling
you about Miles being tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man... Tight man with cast iron pecs... thighs...
Rose: No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Tight with money?! Dump him!!!
Blanche: I never tell men about my
past.
Rose: Why?
Blanche: It takes too long!
(Dorothy and Blanche are mistakenly
labeled as lesbian lovers on a talk show.)
Sophia: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle
caused your mother?
Dorothy: I really don't know but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at
THE HOME!
Sophia: No more questions...
(Sophia talks to Blanche.)
Sophia: Fasten your seatbelt, slutpuppy! This ain't gonna
be no cakewalk!!!
Stan: Don't you
see? The last time Ted went to Acapulco he got married!
Dorothy: So? The last time I went to Coney Island I got pregnant! What's
your point?
Rose: Cooking, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I'm developing pictures for the Magellan Space Program!
Blanche: You know girls, we are going
on vacation and we may need to bring... you know... protection!
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: She means those. (She points to a counter.)
Rose: A Hershey bar?
Dorothy: Over one.
Rose: A pack of gum?
Dorothy: To the left.
Rose: Hair dye?
Dorothy: CONDOMS, Rose! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!!!
Dorothy: I look like the mother of
a Solid Gold dancer!
Rose: I thought
his teeth were nice, what I couldn't believe was how old he was.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I shoulda taped 'em back when you were seven!
Dorothy: Come on, Ma, let's go out on the lanai...
Sophia: No, I think I'll just stay here.
Dorothy: Shady Pines, Ma!
Sophia: You're bluffing...
Dorothy: West wing!
Sophia: I'm right behind ya, pussycat!
Dorothy: You know for the talent section
[Sophia] had to do a medley from The Fantastics. She started with Try
to Remember and - she couldn't!
Rose: Back in St.
Olaf, we would settle a dispute like this with some good old-fashioned
log rolling.
Dorothy: Sorry, Rose, my log is in the shop!
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my
mother! She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered
her totally
annoying.
Rose: A man tried
to harrass me back in St. Olaf. He was a soda jerk. Actually, he
was the town jerk.
Dorothy: What did he do to you, Rose?
Rose: Well, every day when I came in, he'd arrange the
ice-cream scoops in an obscene way! But by the time
I got back home with the evidence to show my father...
Choir: ...it melted!
(The air conditioning is broken.)
Dorothy: My God, it must be a hundred-ten in here!
Blanche: Oh, just do what I do! Think cool thoughts, like the top of a mountain!
The top of a mountain and a really
hot ski instructor named Fritz... And a log cabin... and a bottle of bubbly...
and a
crackling fire... and a
nice comfy bed... My God, Dorothy, it must be a hundred-twenty in here!
Blanche: I just hate being the butt
of jokes!
Dorothy: Strangely enough, you don't mind being the butt of limericks!
Blanche: That's different - that's poetry!
Sophia: [Rose,] you're a lot
smarter than people give you credit for. You've got common sense
and you know what
you're doing! [Blanche,] you're a slut!
Dorothy: [Blanche,] what did you win
this time? A vasectomy?
Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly
thing, Dorothy! And so are you - in anything backless!
Rose: I dreamt all
night I was a carburetor, and when I woke up I was exhausted!
Dorothy: (to Sophia) Prepare
to die old woman!
(Mother's day. Stan and Dorothy visit Stan's mother.)
Mother: If I had to thank her, I'd choke on the words!
Dorothy: Please risk it.
(Once, in St. Olaf...)
Rose: He was searching for the fountain of youth
- and one day he found it!
Blanche: Rose, you mean he found it?!
Rose: Well, he died a couple of days later of cholera.
You see... It wasn't the fountain of youth - it was
a broken sewer pipe!
Rose: I still can't believe [the cow]
was awarded the car! Ha - not that he ever got to drive it!
Sophia: I'm
saving that money for old age!
Dorothy: Ma! You don't even leave fingerprints anymore!
Dorothy: Dorothy Zbornak has finally
overcome her desperation.
Rose: [Miles,]
I can't believe this story you're telling me!
Dorothy: Oh, but you can believe the story of Hendrik Felderstuhl, St. Olaf's
half man, half grasshopper?
Rose: Dorothy, I'm telling you when he rubbed his legs
together you could swear you were on a camping trip!
Blanche: I am nothin' but a cheap,
tawdry slut!
(Dorothy and Rose came in second place at the Miami Song Contest.)
Dorothy: Take it from the top, Rose!
Rose: That sounds so professional!
Dorothy: Ok, Rose, tickle the ivories!
Rose: Goochie Goochie Goo!
Dorothy: Rose, play or die!!!
(later)
Song: I have to say what I feel, Miami has so much appeal,
A great place to get a
seafood meal, MIAMI
Miami, Miami, you've got
style,
Blue clear sunshine, white
sand by the mile.
When you live in this town,
each day is sublime
The coldest of winter's
are warm and divine.
Miami, Miami, you've got
style,
Blue clear sunshine, white
sand by the mile.
There's ball clubs and
night clubs all within reach,
Dance the samba til morning
then lie on the beach,
Each view is a post card,
each day a great time.
It's the cream of the crops,
it's the top of the line,
Miami, Miami, you've got
style,
Blue clear sunshine, white
sand by the mile
M-I-A-M-I... you've got
style!
(Blanche to Patrick, a two-timing actor.)
Blanche: You are nothing but a low down carpetbagging scallywag! And as God
is my witness, I will never
shampoo your hair again!
(Sophia makes her will with Rose.)
Sophia: I leave my daughter, Dorothy, ... to science!
(At a murder mistery weekend.)
Dorothy: When a 22 year-old marries an 85 year-old chances are she's not
after his body... (later)
Cop: So I accuse Blanche Devereaux of murder!
Dorothy: Sir, I have known Blanche for years, and this tramp is incapable
of murder!
(The girls prepare the funeral for Mrs Claxton.)
Sophia: Hey, P-feifer, how'd you like a punch in the
p-face?!
(Aunt Angela curses Sophia.)
Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your preperation-h and shrink
your head to the size of a mushroom!
(All of the girls are in Sophia's bed because the heater broke down.
Rose forgot to say her prayers, so she has to disturb everyone by getting
out of bed to kneel and say her prayers. She recites a long prayer...)
Voice: Thank you for the lovely prayer, Rose. Now shut
up and get into bed!
(Rose, with a surprised look on her face, nods and gets into bed.)
Blanche: Nice work, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Wasn't me!
(Blanche gets a scared look on her face and starts to pray.)
Blanche: Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! Now I lay me down to sleep...
Blanche: Why, Rose? That's the law
of the jungle!
Sophia: Thank you, Sheena, queen of the slut people!
(Don, a fake Beatle, wrote a song for Dorothy.)
Don: Dot, Dot, what a girl I got! When
we take a shower, we don't need hot!
(Sophia composed a song as well.)
Sophia: Thanks for the medicare, for blue cross and blue shield, for
a hip that finally healed, remember on prescription
generic is a steel, we thank you so much...
Blanche: Since I let Dorothy dance
with that man, I feel so warm and gooshy inside. Feels a lot like
cramps!
(The girls are celebrating Christmas.
Blanche hands over her gifts - the same calendar showing men
of her boudoir for each of the girls.)
Dorothy: This is the nicest gift you could've given us...
Wow!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yes!
Sophia: I'm surprised you could even walk in October!
Blanche: By the way, did you girls
know that the size of a man’s ears
is directly portionate to the size of his
other body organs?
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose!
(Blanche visits her mother on Mother's Day in a home.)
Mother: I thought Virginia was the slut!
Blanche: No, Ma'am, that was me - all the time!
Rose: It's just
like that old Scandinavian saying: "You
can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really
fast or he'll die."
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone: day or night!
(The girls have the flu.)
Blanche: Dorothy, where’s my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn’t it, I’d like to know what other electrical
appliance your using under that blanket?
(Dorothy is talking about Blanche.)
Dorothy: She could be in a coma, but put a man within five miles, she would
roll over and shave her legs!
Dorothy: Ma, you're lying!
Rose: Dorothy, be positive!
Dorothy: Okay - I'm positive you're lying!
Trudy: This is terrible!
I mean, what kind of person jumps in bed with her dearest friend's
husband?
Blanche: Well, not necessarily a bad person, owing to circumstances... Oh,
you're talking to Dorothy...
Blanche: Nobody ever believes me when
I’m telling the truth. I guess
it’s the curse of every devastatingly beautiful
woman!
Blanche: Dorothy, do you think I’m
dressed okay for the dog races?
Sophia: That depends - are you competing?
Blanche: I’m simply questioning
how ANY man could possibly choose you over me!
Dorothy: It isn't working, Blanche!
Blanche: I suppose there could be some exceptions: convicts who haven’t
seen a woman in twenty-five years...
(Rose is desperately longing for an honorary award. Finally, she becomes
only second again.)
Rose: She doesn't need that award on her mantel! She IS
on her mantel!!!
(Stan wants to go to bed with Dorothy. He starts singing.)
Stan: Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you. Replace
me, you irreplaceable you. Is it working?
Dorothy: I don't think so!
Stan: Then you leave me no choice, I'll have to pull out
the big gun...
Dorothy: You're forgetting, Stanley: we were married for 38 years. I'm familiar
with the "big" gun!
Stan: So where am I supposed to sleep?
Dorothy: On the floor - like any dog.
Rose: Sophia, what
are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
(Sophia opens her trenchcoat and flashes Rose.)
Sophia: You tell me, Rose!
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress
really need ironing?
(Mrs. Claxton is having an argument with Blanche.)
Mrs. C.: With my binoculars I have a terrific view in your bedroom
window! I think some of the stuff you do is
illegal - I'm looking into it!
Rose: Do you know
that promotion that I was up for at the counseling center? Well,
I found out I can’t have
it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, honey, don’t do that! No job is worth having to date women!
(Uncle Angelo comes for visit. He's a priest. Blanche and Rose come in,
dressed like nuns.)
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for
needy sexy people!
(Blanche tells Dorothy that she would shave her legs all the way up,
hoping to send the message "touch my leg".)
Dorothy: That's if they miss the tattoo that says the same thing!
Rose: Hi, Stan.
Where’s your hair?
Stan: Oh damn, I should have never let the sun
roof down!
Blanche: A one night stand only lasts
one night.
(Rose has shot Blanche's valuable vase by coincidence.)
Rose: I heard a noise! I thought it was the robbers!
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I survive a stroke, pnumonia,
two world wars. One night I'll belch, and
Stable Mable here will blow my head off!
Blanche: Like the fatal blossom of
the great gimson weed, I entice with my fragrance, but can provide
no succor.
(Rose holds up a homemade Mr. Potato Head. She asks Dorothy for her opinion.)
Dorothy: Why don't we put a gold chain on it and call it Sammy Potato Jr.?
Dorothy: Good night, Rose! Go to sleep
honey! Pray for brains!
Dorothy: Rose, honey, I hope you don’t
mind but I borrowed your golf gloves? I have a date to play this morning.
Blanche: With a MAN?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, with a venus fly trap!
(Blanche makes a deal with God in a prayer after Rose suffered a heart
attack.)
Blanche: I promise that I will not have sex with any man - unless they really,
really need it!
(After a heavy argument with Dorothy the plummer left a new toilet in
the girls' living-room.)
Sophia: Dorothy, your a genious! I walk into the living room and there
is a toilet in front of the TV! It's an
old lady's dream come true!
(Dorothy is talking to her mother Sophia.)
Dorothy: This isn't going to work, you little stick person!
Dorothy: Now listen up, you withered
old Sicilian monkey...
Sophia: Keep that up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
(Rose's new dog takes away one of Blanche's slippers.)
Blanche: Hey! That slipper is from the Mayme Van Dorem Collection!
(She chases after the dog.)
Dorothy: Ha! Would you look at that: man's best friend - chasing man's best
friend!
Dorothy: I loved menopause. It means
no more PMS.
Blanche: I never had PMS!!!
Rose: Neither did I, but I had a BMW once!
Sophia: Jean is a lesbian.
Blanche: What’s funny about that?
Sophia: You aren’t suprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I’ve never known any personally, but isn’t
Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche, lesbian!
(Blanche needs to talk to Rose late at night. Rose is still sleeping.)
Blanche: Am I a terrible person?
Rose: I don’t know. Who are you?
Blanche: It’s me, Blanche.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you're not a terrible person! You're just horny all
the time.
Blanche: Only the tall girls who couldn't
get dates wrote poetry in high school!
Blanche: You know how fragile men's
egos are: one little mistake like screaming out the wrong name
and they go
all to pieces!
Dorothy: Get back here, you old Sicilian
Gecco!
Blanche: I wish Sophia was my mother,
so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines!
Blanche: You know what I hate about
cleaning up after a party?
Rose: Picking your underwear up out of a pile?!
Blanche: Now Rose, put yourself in
my position.
(Rose takes a while.)
Rose: I'm not limber enough!
Dorothy: Yes, Rose, you are the smartest
person in the world - Burger World!
Dorothy: Ah, no, Rose, I'm upset because
they haven't rerun the Facts of Life in Australia!
Blanche: I am abhorred!
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you
admit it.
Blanche: This is the definitive where
I lost my virginity story...
Sophia: In a bayou? - You slut!
(Blanche is scared that the cheeseman will kidnap her because she's the
prettiest.)
Blanche: If only I could do something to make myself less attractive!
Sophia: Try soap and water!
Rose: Every Thursday night I watch
LA LAW.
Dorothy: That's L.A. LAW!
Dorothy: "Back in St. Olaf, back
in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf",
does it ever occur to you that every time one
of us makes an observation you say "back in St. Olaf"?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: That's okay.
Rose: Anyway, back in that town whose name...
Dorothy: Rose!
(Sophia is dropped off in a taxi. She rings at the girls' door.)
Sophia: Is this 6151, Richmond Street?
Dorothy: Ma, where have you been?
Sophia: Oh, thank God! I've been walking around for six hours!
Dorothy: Ma, why didn't you call?
Sophia: I tried but everytime I put a dime and started to dial, a condom
popped out!
(Rose just said she didn't want to lie for going to a strange high school
reunion.)
Dorothy: Rose, what is the natural color of your hair?
Rose: I'll get the car.
Sophia: Are you making the grocery
list, pussycat?
Dorothy: Yeah, do you want something?
Sophia: Umm... Let's say 4 or 5 chickens and about 40 or 45 sunblock
lotion.
Rose: Oh, I've made that mistake before. If you don't want
the chicken to burn, just turn the heat down.
Dorothy: I don't think that's what she meant, Rose... What do you mean you've
made that mistake before?
(Rose, Dorothy and Blanche are in the kitchen eating Rose's bad smelling
cookies. They're holding their noses while Sophia walks in.)
Sophia: Oh, come on! You couldn't smell that from out
there!
Classics
(Last episode. Dorothy says good-bye.)
Dorothy: You're angels all of you!
(...)
You'll always be my sisters... Always!
Relations
(Blanche is expecting Clayton's arrival.)
Rose: We should put out the welcome mat!
Blanche: But honey, we don't have a welcome mat!
Rose: What about the one Dorothy
always says is at the foot of your bed?
(The girls are fighting over who gets to show Patrick, an actor, around
their local theatre.)
Dorothy: Why don't we show Mr Vaughn around the theatre?
Blanche: (pushing away Dorothy) Well why don't I show you around,
since I have had the most
experience performing here...
Dorothy: (pushing away Blanche) The parking lot doesn't count Blanche,
I'll do it!
(The girls are going to Russia.)
Blanche: Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking
reporter over there who just got back from Russia
and he told me some very interesting things; it snows there in the summer
time, and they
don't have very many attractive
women, do you realise what this means?? When we go to Russia I will have
my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in June!
Dorothy: If I had lived with Stan
before we got married, it would have saved me from some painful
memories, and
a bitter divorce!
Sophia: And you might possibly have given birth to reasonably attractive
children.
Rose: I haven't
been with a man in that...special way since Charlie died.
Blanche: Get outta here!!!!
Rose: It's true! Charlie is the only man I've ever slept
with, and my first time was on our wedding night.
Blanche: GET OUTTA HERE!!
Dorothy: Oh back off Blanche! Not all of us are classified by the navy as
a friendly port!
That's Blanche
Blanche: If you'll excuse me, I'm
going to take a long, hot steamy bath, with just enough water
to barely cover
my perky bosoms...
Sophia: You're only going to sit in an inch of water?
(The girls are at a sperm bank because Blanche's daughter wants to be
artificially insemenated. They are speaking to the doctor.)
Blanche: Well I have heard enough! No Devereaux has ever had to go to
a bank for sperm, I certainly haven't!
Dorothy: (to the doctor) She's always relied on the kindness of
strangers, doctor.
"He has dipped his toe in the lake known as Blanche."
Blanche: When they put me in prison
I'll be brave, I can handle it!
Rose: Blanche, you don't understand! They put you in a
women's prison!
(Blanche, Rose and Dorothy mistakenly
are booked into a nudist colony, and they are checking in. The
bellboy is naked and they want
to be shown
to their room by the bellboy.)
Dorothy: Well just point the way!
(Blanche 'looks' at the bellboy.)
Blanche: Up! Oh good we're on the 2nd floor.
Blanche: I don't look right in American
clothes, I have a more European body!
Rose: Oh in Europe, do they all have big butts, too?
Dorothy: Blanche, this is all about
your ego, isn't it?
Blanche: Ego, Dorothy? I have no ego...
(Rose wants Dorothy to repeat her story.)
Blanche: No, no, no, please, I cannot bear that again! She was listening
to her car radio, big band not all talk. There was a contest. Something about
a little voice, a lucky member and a dime in a door handle
then bim bam boosh, she won the tickets.
Dorothy: Take a lesson, Rose! That's how you tell a story!
(Blanche has just met Rose's cousin Sven.)
Blanche: I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think Rose got the brains
in that family!
That's Dorothy
(Blanche's sister has written a book about Blanche's sex life.)
Dorothy: Boy, Blanche is handling this a lot better than I
would; I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote a book
about all my sexual escapades!
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
(Blanche and Rose are trying to give Dorothy advice.)
Blanche: Do you know how it feels to have someone not believe you?
Rose: I sure do, back in St...
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story!
Rose: I wanna tell one!
Blanche: Dorothy?
Dorothy: God, this is a no-win situation....but go ahead Blanche.
Rose: Fine! You might never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I was wrong, this isn't a no-win situation!!
(Blanche and Dorothy fight over
who wears a certain dress.)
Blanche: Dorothy, please, this is lunacy!! Since when did you care how you
look??
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had
my hump fixed!
Dorothy: You are a furry little gnome
and we feed you too much!
(The Elvis fan club founded by Blanche and Rose holds a meeting.)
Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise...
a genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
(The chop is passed around and Dorothy has a look on it.)
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this
much meat on a pork chop!
(Dorothy starts laughing and upsetting the members.)
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outa the club! Meeting is adjourned, thank you ladies,
thank you for coming.
(Sophia has just caused some trouble.)
Dorothy: Oh fine, she does something wrong, suddenly she's my mother!
That's Rose
(At a party game in a hotel; the guests have to guess who is the murderer.)
Detective: I failed to protect my client, but I am determined
with your help to solve these crimes and bring the
murderers to justice.
Rose: Maybe that bloody dagger will lead us
to the murder weapon!
Detective: St. Olaf?
Rose: Oh boy, he is good! (shortly after that)
Detective: But obviously her husband was shot!
Rose: Then there must be a gun!
Detective: Southside?
Rose: Oh, eerie...
Rose: You...
You... You rude person!!!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
(Blanche, Dorothy and Rose are
sitting in the kitchen.)
Rose: What do you say, girls?
Choir: Oh shut up, Rose!
Rose: Can I ask
a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know!
Blanche: Well, just tell Miles you
have a lot of work at home!
Rose: But I don't want to lie!
Blanche: Ok then, we'll make you clean out the garage later.
Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one!
That's Sophia
(Late night, no-one can sleep. Sophia enters the kitchen.)
Dorothy: Oh hi Ma, you couldn't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it out in the
sink!
(Sophia breaks Dorothy's watch.)
Dorothy: Ma!! Stan gave me that watch when we got married!
Sophia: Well, the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
Dorothy: Ma, I absolutely forbid you
to drive a car!
Sophia: Oooh, look Dorothy... I'm shaking!
Dorothy: Ma, I'm taking the dress
back to the mall.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So I'm sorry for what I said earlier, and I'd really like it if
you came along and helped me pick out
another one. What do you say?
Sophia: 'what do I say' I'm your mother Dorothy! I was there for you
when you needed a communion dress, I was
there for you when you needed a prom dress, I was there for you when you
needed a wedding dress...
(Dorothy holds Sophia's hand and
smiles.)
Sophia: ...and quite frankly I'm sick of it, buy your
own damn dress!
Man: Blanche
was right! She said you were incorrigible!
Sophia: I guess I deserve it. I always say she's a cheap
slut!
(Sophia is addressing to Blanche.)
Sophia: Hey just because you put your make-up on with a butter
knife doesn't make you a Tammy Bakker!
Rose: I don't understand!
Sophia: You should have that printed on a T-shirt, Rose!
Blanche: Hi fidell!
Sophia: Beat it, you 50 year-old mattress!
Blanche: Girls, do you realise it's
been eight days since I had a date?
Sophia: Do you realise it's been eight days since I had a...
(Dorothy interferes.)
Dorothy: Ma, please, whatever it is - keep it to yourself!
Sophia: That's my problem.
(Rose's sister, Holly, arrives. She tries to figure out who's who.)
Holly: She's feisty, zesty and full of old world charm:
Sophia!
Sophia: She's mopy, dopey and full of crap: Rose's sister! Don't mess
with me kid, I have the home court advantage.
Golden Palace Quotations:
Blanche: Ooouh - he's in the shower!
Oh that's perfect! You know how men are: they just take forever
-
leathering up their strong
well-muscled arms, and letting the soap running the breastbone
down over the wash board
ripples at the tight, top...
(Blanche gets out of control.)
Rose: That's enough, Blanche!!
Blanche: You won't believe what happened
to me today at the bank! Oh, the vice president said the most upsetting
thing to me!
Sophia: "Don't come back until you're wearing underwear?!"
(Blanche "advises" the Wilsons, Roland's parents.)
Husband: Maybe if Louise had been more passionate I wouldn't have
had guys over to watch sports all the time!
Louise: How could I've been more passionate in a room full of men?!
Blanche: Actually...
Roland: Blanche!!!
(...)
Husband: Louise lost all of our life savings gambling!
Roland: What?! Noone ever told me that! Mum, I had no idea you know
how to gamble!
Blanche: Ha, apparently she doesn't! - You know, my husband and I used
to play the horses... We loved all those
little riding crops and saddles...
(Blanche goes into ecstasies.)
'Course we never actually
made it to the track... He was a lusty man - lusty, lecherous men...
(Blanche begins to scream.)
A lusty, lecherous cowboy
who wanted to ride all night...
Roland: Blanche!!! Will you stop talking
about yourself?
Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to slip into something that will make me look my best!
Rose: May I suggest a time-machine?
(Mr. Davenport, an old mean restaurant critic, enters the hotel.)
Mr. D.: Good evening! My name is...
(He suddenly recognises Chuy.)
...Chuy Castillos!
Rose: Oh my gosh! What a coincidence! Our cook is named
Chuy Castillos! Isn't that something?!
Roland: No, Rose...
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